


Hey Jealousy

by eternaleponine



Series: Clexathon 2016 [11]
Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/F, Jealousy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-24
Updated: 2016-12-24
Packaged: 2018-09-11 14:02:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,473
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8983087
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eternaleponine/pseuds/eternaleponine
Summary: Even though they are working together to build a new world, they're walking different paths... and that's harder for Lexa to deal with than she expected.





	

Clarke dropped a kiss on the back of Lexa's neck as she unwound the scarf from around her own, draping it, along with her coat and several other layers, over the back of a chair. "Sorry," she said. "I got caught up."

"It's fine," Lexa said. "I know that you're busy."

"There's just so much to learn," Clarke said. "So much that we have to share with your people, but so much that your people have to share with us, too. Caela was show—" She stopped, seeing Lexa's sour expression reflected in the mirror that she sat in front of, twisting her hair over her shoulder a little too hard. "What?"

"Nothing," Lexa said. "Go on."

"No," Clarke said. "It's not nothing. You made a face."

Lexa turned to face her. "I didn't make a face, Clarke," she said. "Are you going to finish telling me about your day or not?"

There was a bite to the words that Clarke didn't understand, and didn't like. She liked even less the fact that there was clearly something bothering Lexa, and she was refusing to admit it. She could continue to fish for it, to coax and wheedle it out of her, but she really wasn't in the mood. She'd had a good day, and she'd come back excited to tell Lexa about it, and instead she was left feeling as if she'd done something wrong, and she was supposed to know what it was and atone for it without being told. 

She expected that of other people, of just about everyone else in her life, really, but not Lexa. 

Which left her with a few choices. She could ignore it and hope that Lexa got over it. She could demand to know what was going on in Lexa's head, and they would probably end up arguing about it. Or she could just go to her own room and hope that maybe Lexa would be in a better mood in the morning.

She didn't like any of them. 

She tried to think back to what she'd been saying when Lexa's expression had changed, and when it snagged on the moment of the shift, she frowned. "You're jealous," she said. 

Lexa raised an eyebrow. "Am I? Of what?"

"Caela," Clarke said. And yes, there it was, the faintest flicker in Lexa's eyes because she was clearly trying to mask her feelings now, but Clarke saw it. She took a step closer, and she saw Lexa twitch like she was going to bring her arms up, to cross them and protect herself, but then realized it and stopped herself. "It's not a good look on you," she said. 

She saw Lexa's jaw clench, saw her swallow, could almost see the debate going on behind her eyes, before finally she seemed to arrive at a decision. "I am," she said. "I know it's not rational. I know that she is teaching you the ways of the healers of our people, and that's all. I know that, but it doesn't keep it from gnawing at my gut when I sit and wait for you and you don't come."

Clarke sighed, annoyed because it _wasn't_ rational, and there was absolutely no basis for it, but also relieved that Lexa had actually owned up to it. It gave them a starting place, and if they were both willing to move they could meet halfway. "We agreed that it was best that we tried to keep to our normal lives as much as possible," Clarke said. "We don't hide, but we don't give anyone a reason to talk, either. This is part of my normal life. It's important to me."

"I know." Lexa moved, went to sit on the edge of the bed. "I know, and you're right." She frowned. "I think what I didn't realize was that when we actually achieved peace, I wouldn't know what to do with myself. I would have too much time to think about things. Not that all of our problems are solved; far from it. I don't think it's possible that they ever will be. But when things are going smoothly, sometimes I find myself with nothing but time to think."

Clarke went and sat next to her, reached out and took her hand because there was obviously more going on than a touch of the green-eyed monster over a girl who had never been, and never would be, any threat to Lexa. 

Lexa turned her hand over and squeezed Clarke's. "Titus taught me that to be Commander is to be alone. We are brought here as children to be trained as soon as we are found. I was found very young. I don't remember my parents at all. The only life, the only family I had, was the Commander before me, and Titus, and the other _Natblida_. Who I was forced to kill in order to ascend. My brothers and sisters... dead at my hand, or at each other's. There was Anya, for a time... but then I became Commander, and everything changed, and now she's dead. There was Costia... Gustus... Titus..." 

Clarke let go of her hand, but only so that she could wrap her arm around Lexa's shoulders and draw her close. "You've lost everyone."

Lexa nodded. "Titus was right."

"Except he wasn't," Clarke said. "Because I'm here. You're not alone."

"I know," Lexa said. "But that doesn't mean it doesn't still feel that way sometimes. You have your people. If... if it came to it, you would have a place to go, people to go to. I would... not."

"You would still have Aden and the other Nightbloods," Clarke said, but she knew that that wasn't the same. She knew that Lexa loved them, but they were also a responsibility. Younger siblings to be watched over and guided in growing up... not friends.

That was it. That's what it came down to. Lexa had no friends. She had those who served her. She had the ambassadors that she worked with. But friends, people that she could just spend time with, play cards or whatever the Grounder equivalent was, laugh with... there was no one.

Clarke couldn't imagine what it was like to grow up with other children knowing that one day you would kill them or they would kill you. She _could_ imagine what it was like to lose a lover and know that it was your fault. As many similarities as they could draw between them, there were enough differences that sometimes it caught Clarke off guard.

And she hated that she didn't know how to fix it. Lexa had no peers. Anyone who got close to her put themselves at risk. Anyone she confided in was a potential liability. Clarke had decided to take that chance, and Lexa trusted her enough to let her in. 

But she couldn't be all that Lexa had. Her life had to be bigger than just what happened inside these walls. She knew that Lexa wanted that for her as well... but she couldn't actually have it for herself. She was a prisoner in her own life; a life that she had been born for, maybe, a life that she had been chosen for... but if she'd had a choice (that wasn't death) would she have chosen this?

Luna had run, and found a place to call home and shaped a life for herself. Lexa had let her go, let her do it. Had she wished even then that she could do the same?

_Maybe someday we will owe nothing more to our people._

_I hope so._

Maybe someday... but not today, and not tomorrow. 

"You could come with me," Clarke said. "When I go to check on those I've been caring for... you could come with me. It would mean a lot for them to get a visit from their _Heda_." At least she assumed it would; it certainly would have meant a lot to have the Chancellor come see you if you were laid up in medical on the Ark. "It won't fix everything, but at least you wouldn't be stuck with nothing for company but your own thoughts."

Lexa hesitated, then nodded. "All right." The corner of her mouth quirked. "And I can size up the competition."

Clarke snorted. "She's not 'the competition'! I've never even thought about her that way! Although now that you've put the thought in my head..." Lexa's eyes widened, then narrowed. "Unless of course you can convince me that even thinking about someone else would pale in comparison to what I already have..."

"Is that a challenge?" Lexa asked.

"Do you want it to be?" Clarke asked in return.

"When I'm done with you, you won't remember your own name, much less hers," Lexa said. 

Clarke smirked. "Is that so?"

Lexa did not answer with words.

**Author's Note:**

> An anonymous prompter on Tumblr asked for a jealous canon Lexa... and this kind of went in a direction I wasn't expecting.


End file.
